(This is based on a true story)
John (not his real name) was one of my closest friends. He was the main person I turned to when I needed a listening ear. However, this relationship turned for the worse when the 2 of us decided to join a planning committee together.
Despite the many ideas we shared in common, I realized that there was one huge difference between the two of us – work ethics. John was the person who would want to start and end the meeting punctually. Therefore, if there were still items in the agenda that has yet to be covered, he would rush through them and often try to haphazardly decide on a solution without further discussion. More often than not, his opinions became a disruption to our meetings. On the contrary, I am one who would almost never end a meeting unless all the items in the agenda have been properly discussed.
Our meetings were conducted in the evening and it often lasted for about 3 hours, sometimes, it might even extend to 4 hours. Nearing the end of the meeting, all of us would usually be tired and hungry however most of us would still want to discuss the agenda properly. As the saying goes “a hungry man is an angry man” so there were a few incidents when I could no longer endure John’s rushing and asked him to keep his opinions to himself in order to let us think of a proper solution. Needless to say, he was not very happy about it so I have always SMSed him after the meeting to apologize. On a few occasions, we even trashed it out with each other and discussed about the things we disliked of each other after my apology.
Sadly, the trashing out did not solve the conflicts. In the next meeting, the exact same thing happened and this time round I did not apologize. I felt that I was simply voicing out the thoughts of most of the members. In addition to that, I did not like the idea of constantly being the first to apologize as I believed that he was also in the wrong too. Being the first to apologize in every conflict made me feel as if I am a subordinate to him. After that incident there was a cold war between the two of us and I felt very miserable that I have lost a very close friend.
What could be done to salvage this friendship? Is there anything that could be done in the future to prevent this incident from happening again?
Hi Kun Lin,
ReplyDeleteI am able to understand how you feel as I was put to such situation before, when I was in a club’s committee last year. It is indeed a very tough problem to solve.
Since thrashing things out doesn’t work, maybe you can find a win-win solution that will benefit and suit the both of you. I would suggest that you guys can try to discuss about the agenda before the meeting. (I’m not sure if you guys done it.)
For example, if you are discussing about organizing an event, before the meeting, you guys can discuss about:
1. Potential ideas and rank it according to feasibility.
During the meeting, only raise the 3 ideas that are top on your list and discuss with the rest of the committee members. There are instances where your committee members will raised an idea, which you have thought of but it’s not on the top of your list. In this case, you can explain to them how the ideas you chose is better than the suggested ones. If a new idea is raised, I guess we have no choice but to think through it.
2. Potential problems and some troubleshooting methods.
This can help you identify potential flaws that you have to take note and spot them quickly when an idea, with flaws in it, is suggested during the meeting.
3.Potential hiccups that will occur during the meeting.
This can reduce wasting time on resolving disruption that occurs during the meeting.
With all these discussed, you can actually limit and filter out redundant topics that are raised during the meetings and hopefully, reduce the chances of extending the intended meeting time.
I hope my suggestion does provide you with some help.
Hey Kun Lin, I too have such an experience and I do really hate it when such things happen.
ReplyDeleteHere are my point of views and the solutions I have for myself which could apply to you as well.
My personal conviction is, being good friends “outside”, does not naturally equate to being good working colleagues. Since it is clear that the both of you have 2 different working styles, in order to ensure a good healthy friendship, it might be good to avoid such situations where you work together in future.
On the cold war that you guys are having, I guess time heals all wounds. Since both of you were close friends once, maybe both of you are just waiting for the other party to make the first move and say hello. I guess if both of you cherish this friendship. It would be good for both sides to swallow some pride.
On the issue in the meetings, I think if you are the chairperson of the meeting, you have every right to voice your concern about him. He should respect your authority and vice versa if he is the chairperson. I think there is no need to apologise on your part as this will weaken your stance and he might not get the point that you are trying to bring across to him. My personal opinion is that he has to learn and improve on this area of his personal communication.
These are just my personal viewpoints. I hope it helps.
Kun Lin, I also had the same experience as you.
ReplyDeleteI guess this is a case which shows that work and relationship cannot mix. There are exceptions to that but I feel that there are just some friends that aren't good working partners but perfect buddy to confide in. I agree with you that you shouldn't always apologise. This might make your friend to take you for granted. Perhaps you can let him know that your views during a meeting are objective and not meant as a personal attack. You can also try to keep the message short and direct in order to send him a strong message. I feel sometimes discussing too much over an issue tends to make the matter worst as it could lead to digging up the past issues. Perhaps that is why trashing out doesn't work.
To reduce the tension, invitation with a group of friends to a meal or a drink, might send a message to your friend to show your sincerity that you still cherish the friendship. But I guess during such gathering, there should be strictly no discussion of work!
Hope you don't mind my comments and most importantly hope it helps!
Hi Kun Lin,
ReplyDeleteGood post, as I think you managed to capture the relevant facts of the situation.
Indeed, as Emily, Godwin and Glenn mentioned, sometimes work and friendship cannot mix. In such case, perhaps it would be wise to avoid working with friends whom you know you are not able to work well with.
However, in this situation, I believe that you could perhaps have exercised a greater amount of self-regulation. It is indeed irritating when someone clamours to end a meeting whilst you are in the midst of an intense discussion, but I still feel that perhaps you could have handled the issue with John more tactfully that you have implied.
With regards to salvation of the relationship, I think that Godwin has hit the nail on the head. A group meal or drink, and no work should be able to bring you and John closer back to being friends again.
Dear Kunlin,
ReplyDeleteTo salvage this friendship, I thought you could first stop apologising to him after each meeting. It makes him think that he is correct all the time and by doing this you not helping him. If you are his best friend you would make him learn the lesson and shouldn't be overly protective of him. It also makes you very tired at the end of the day and this just continues to sour the friendship over time.
I thought for the part about the meetings, you could set a time limit for the meeting. We cannot assume that every single member in the meeting is fine with extending meeting hours until the agenda is finished. Do set a time limit for the meeting. If it is supposed to end in 2 hours the first meeting but ended after 3 hours instead, limit the meeting duration of the next meeting to 2.5 hours and make sure the meeting flows effectively so that the agenda can be completed in time.
I guess the problem you face at the meeting isn't just solely an issue between you and your friend. Do motivate the other people in the meeting along the way. Let them know we can do it and we can finish the agenda on time and end meeting early today if everything goes smoothly. People will feel more motivated to participate and probably the agenda can then be completed in time.
I guess men and women truely have different ways of handling relationships. Unlike Godwin and Clement, I don't think a group meal or a drink will solve the problem. It may bring you two back closer again but the root of the problem remains. Still, it might work for guys. Afterall I really think men and women handle their friendships very differently.
One thing I think could have been done better at the start was to set expectations right. At the first meeting, the typical meeting format and length should be communicated to all the members. John might be rushing the meeting because he feels that it is a waste of time. Was there a reason for such a long meeting? Is it justified? Is there any way to make meetings shorter and more efficient? e.g. pre-meeting preparations, setting the agenda beforehand
ReplyDeleteAs things stand, I feel that it is still possible to restore the friendship as this is due mostly to a clash in working styles. I feel that you do not need to apologize but you can make the first move and ask him out to discuss the reason for the "cold war".
Hello!
ReplyDeleteI’ll be honest here. I do not really like being involved in planning for events for fear of such things might happen between my friend and I. As a matter of fact, it even makes me afraid of having to do group work with others. I’ve heard so much of such stories from friends but I have none of my own. So far, I have been blessed with good mates to work with. But it doesn’t mean I won’t encounter such a problem in the near future.
I personally feel that there is a need to go through all the points in the agenda during that meeting. These points have made it up into the agenda as they need to be addressed before moving onto the next stage of planning. With regards to arranging for the next meeting, maybe you could ask the members if they do not mind with staying for a while longer to make sure that all that needs to be addressed are duly addressed. Say the time set to be spent on the meeting is 3 hours, but to provide an additional leeway of 1 hour to finish up. It is usually good to inform others and to prepare them for the worst (i.e to stay a while more to finish up the meeting). This would then ensure that you all have covered all the necessary things in that meeting and fewer disputes would be encountered since you did inform them in advance.
With regards to salvaging this friendship, I think you could first ask him out to discuss the reason for the “cold war” and explain to him to cause of your actions. Do let him know that you were not making a personal attack! This would enable him to understand and he might just change his attitude when working with others in such planning committees. It would then be beneficial to him in his future collaborations with others and at the same time, you both can still remain as close friends.
-nicole
Dear Kun Lin,
ReplyDeleteIf you do care about the friendship, then I'd suggest one of you leave the planning committee and decide not to work with each other. It is not uncommon between friends not to work with each other for precisely this reason.
If you do want to continue and yet, salvage the friendship - one of you would definitely have to relent because this is a conflict of two completely different points of view. However, if you do feel that every other member of the team feels similarly, the whole team could maybe decide to sit down and discuss it with him. That might help take the heat off the situation.
Wow! You garnered lot of very good feedback for this post's conflict scenario, Kunlin! Your prose is concise and fairly clear (a few minor language problems), and the telling is quite complete.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to seeing your own solution.
Thanks!
I would like to thank everyone for their valuable responses and feedback!
ReplyDeletePerhaps I did not paint a very complete picture while telling the story, so I would like to touch it up a little by responding to your comments.
Emily, the main purpose of our meetings are usually to brainstorm on new ideas as well as deciding on them. The agenda is usually emailed out a day or 2 before the meeting.
Glenn, I wholeheartedly agree with you that time heals all wounds. In this case, I have swallowed too much pride resulting in the eruption of this little volcano.
Godwin and Clement, I personally feel that a meal with him and a few more friends with the sole purpose of solving the problem would not solve the problem. I would prefer birthday parties or group activities (for example, cycling at Pulau Ubin).
Diana II, it was not because our team was not motivated. Perhaps we were too motivated in giving solutions to the extent that we could not decide collectively on the best solution.
Jie Ren, I thought about those questions during our cold war. However I think that I do not have to discuss about the cold war with him because the situation has been discussed too many times already. What is the use of discussing if neither of us change?
Nicole, although time durations are indicated in the agenda, it is often an unwritten rule that we will overrun the given time. Working with friends is fun! However, one has to always prepare to give in. Most importantly, both party must not be hungry! (I will lose my temper easily when I am very hungry)
Rohan, in this case, leaving the committee is the last possible solution. Because by leaving the committee, my fellow members would be given more work to do. I personally believe that getting the whole team to discuss it with him might make him feel ostracized, which could lead to him leaving the committee if he is not able to grasp the situation well.
Brad, thank you for your praises. My solution is presented below.
To conclude my story properly, I would share with all of you the actions that I took. I reflected on what I could have done to make sure the meetings ended on time.
-I made sure that the time duration allocated to various points in the agenda were more realistic and included a longer buffer time.
-I also tried to steer the group back on track whenever we start to sidetrack.
-Some minor dangling issues were set aside to be discussed over the internet after the meetings.
To summarize, I put in effort to make sure that meetings ended on time (even when I am not the project director). With that, even when meetings dragged beyond the stipulated time, John did not "disrupt" the meetings.
The good news is that John and I are back to being good friends, but the bad news is that we were not as close as before. However from this conflict, I have learnt how to conduct meetings efficiently.