Dear friends,
Thanks in advance for taking the time to look through my application letter, I would admit that there are still plenty of areas that require improvement.
The job that I am applying for can be found at http://www.ge.com/careers/students/eedp/asia.html
RE: Opportunities in Undergraduate Leadership Program
Dear Sir/Mdm,
I am writing in response to your recruitment over the internet for the Undergraduate Leadership Program.
I will be graduating from National University of Singapore with a degree in Electrical Engineering with 2nd Upper Class Honors, specializing in Power, Drives and Control. My final year project required me to have an in-depth knowledge of power converters and renewable energy. In addition, it placed my analytical and problem solving skills to the test while working individually.
During my course of undergraduate study, I held the position of Vice President for NUS Outdoor Activities Club. During which I co-managed and groomed a team of 15 individuals to run the club. I have also organized 3 treks to Malaysia for the undergraduates of NUS. I gained precious experience from planning and leading these overseas trips in the fields of risk management, public relations as well as leadership. Furthermore, the trips that I organized trained me to remain calm in the event of any emergencies, and to handle them appropriately.
I was also the project director for Race 6, a nationwide adventure race. In which I successfully led a team of 20 individuals in planning for this 3 days 2 nights race. Race 6 attracted more than 100 participants and also garnered sponsorships amounting to over $7000. My communication skills were heavily tested when I had to communicate with the sponsors as well as the management of the locations that we used. I am confident that my ability to work well with others and my experience with leadership positions qualify me for the Undergraduate Leadership Program.
I am greatly interested in a position in General Electric as they are often invested and groomed by the company. I am also drawn to the challenges that the participants of this program will face. Obtaining a degree with 2nd Upper Class Honors while being heavily involved in co-curriculum activities is a testament of my time management skills; and I am quite sure that I would be able to cope with the intensity of this program.
My resume is enclosed for your reference, and I look forward to hearing from you. If you have any questions or wish to contact me, I can be reached at 9999-9999 (mobile) or at Chuakunlin@nus.edu.sg. Thank you.
Best Regards
Chua Kun Lin
Dear Kunlin,
ReplyDeleteI have a few suggestions for you.
In the second paragraph you wrote: "In addition, it placed my analytical and problem solving skills to the test while working individually." I thought it would be more grammatically correct to phrase it this way: "In addition, it placed my analytical and problem solving skills to the test when I had to work on my own."
In the fourth paragraph, you wrote: "I was also the project director for Race 6, a nationwide adventure race. In which I successfully led a team of 20 individuals in planning for this 3 days 2 nights race." I thought you could combine these two sentences together like this: "I was also the project director of Race6, a nation-wide adventure race where I successfully led a planning committee consisting of 20 individuals."
Also in the fourth paragraph, you wrote: "My communication skills were heavily tested when I had to communicate with the sponsors as well as the management of the locations that we used." You could write in this way instead: "My communication skils were heavily tested when I had to speak to the sponsors and manage the few locations that were utilzed."
I am not particularly strong in my grammar as well, but hope my five-cents worth can help you a little!
Dear Diana,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment! Your keen eye definitely spotted the sentences that seemed erroneous to myself. However, I guess I'm the one with poor grammar as I feel that I have failed to bring my point across.
Firstly, I admit that I tried to squeeze too much information into one sentence when I wrote: "In addition, it placed my analytical and problem solving skills to the test while working individually." The two points that I'm trying to bring across is 1) analytical and problem solving skills and 2) ability to work individually. They were not really related in a way as described by your sentence, so I am not sure if I can phrase it that way. However, I still think my sentence has some room for improvement.
Next, I meant communicating with two parties, the sponsors and the location's management. I thought that the sentence felt weird, but I couldn't think of a better alternative. Perhaps I would require some help here, thanks!
What about... "My communication skills were heavily tested when I had to liaise with the various sponsors and the people who were managing our event locations."
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome and thanks for your comments on my application letter too!
Dear Kun Lin
ReplyDeleteHere is my five cents worth
In your first paragraph, you wrote “I will be graduating from National University of Singapore with a degree in Electrical Engineering with 2nd Upper Class Honors, specializing in Power, Drives and Control.” I think it’s a bit too long to say in one breath. You might want to rephrase as “I will be graduating with 2nd Upper Class Honors in Electrical Engineering from the National University of Singapore. I specialize in Power, Drives and Control.”
In your second last paragraph you wrote “I am greatly interested in a position in General Electric as they are often invested and groomed by the company.” I can’t really get the point you are trying to put across here. You might want to make clear who the “they” are and the word “invested” doesn’t seem very appropriate. I think groomed is good enough.
In your third paragraph, you wrote “I was also the project director for Race 6, a nationwide adventure race. In which I successfully led a team of 20 individuals in planning for this 3 days 2 nights race.” It might be appropriate to rewrite as “I was also the project director for Race 6, a nationwide adventure race. I successfully led a team of 20 individuals to plan for this 3 days 2 nights race.
Hope I’m of help.
I think it was good to bring up your leadership qualities as it is extremely relevant to the position you are applying for. However, I feel that you could have added technical work experience or your final year project experience into the cover letter to show your interest in technology as well. You might also consider trying to fit in some of GE's core values into your letter if there is space.
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking the time to discuss this, I feel strongly about it and love learning more on this topic. If possible, as you gain expertise, would you mind updating your blog with more information? It is extremely helpful for me.
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ReplyDelete